


The Bucky day

by metalarms



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adjusting to modern days, Birthday, Fireworks, First time posting here, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jogging, M/M, Nightmares, PTSD, Sleeping Together, Steve and Bucky can't cook™, Suicide, these tags are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-23 04:23:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9640562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/metalarms/pseuds/metalarms
Summary: It's been 192 days since Bucky moved in with his best friend..★Or, Bucky is trying to cope with the memories of Hydra and sorting out his relationship with Steve.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It's my first fic + English is my 3rd language = don't judge me if this isn't as amazing as you were hoping.

It's been a day since Bucky has moved in with Steve. It's new to him, not to be on a mission. He wanders around miserably while Steve tries to get him to relax. At night, he can't fall asleep. He just pretends to when Steve checks on him once in a while.

It's been 3 days. Steve is worried about his best friend- Bucky just sits by himself all day, fiddling with his metal hand. "I'm okay," he insists, but Steve can see the traces of tears on his face, left from his time unwatched.

It's been 7 days. Bucky sleeps that night, but constantly wakes up because of the nightmares. Steve can hear him screaming all night- "please, no! Not again! I'll do it, just please, no!" Steve makes him a cup of tea the next time he's screaming. Bucky doesn't drink it, just nods his head and tries to fall asleep once again.

It's been 11 days. Natasha came to visit in the afternoon, and took Bucky out for pizza. "I have nightmares too, sometimes," she tells him.  
"How do you make it stop?" Bucky asks quietly.  
"Sleep pills. Work like magic."

It's been 13 days. Bucky's been sleeping well the past nights, using the pills Natasha gave him.

It's been 23 days. Bucky has stopped taking the pills- they are making him even more depressed. The nightmares are back.

It's been 24 days. Steve suggests for them to sleep in his bed together- he feels horrible when Bucky screams for help in his sleep. Bucky doesn't want to- he can't stand being touched, not even by his best friend.

It's been 28 days. Bucky agrees to sleep in Steve's bed. It smelles familiar, just like the old days before the war. But the nightmares only fade a little, and while fighting Hydra in his nightmares he hits Steve accidentally.

It's been 30 days. People are asking about the bruise on Steve's cheek. He says he fell.

It's been 35 days. Bucky is getting used to Steve's bed now, and doesn't often hit him when one of his nightmares occurs.

It's been 40 days. Stark came to visit, asking both how are they and if they need anything. Steve politely declines- he has everything he needs in the apartment. Bucky asks for better pills.

It's been 62 days. The pills are working like magic- Bucky doesn't need Steve's embrace anymore to fall asleep. There are less nightmares now.

It's been 64 days. Fury's got a new mission- an assassination of a Hydra ex-leader who was hidden in the shadows for a long time. Bucky declines- he can't get near anything Hydra again.

It's been 65 days. The nightmares are back.

It's been 68 days. Bucky gives up on the pills- they stopped helping. The nightmares are back at it with full force, leaving the two roommates fazed and short-breathed.

It's been 70 days. Steve gets more worried every day- looking after him carefully, occasionally gently touching his hand. "I'm glad you're taking care of me," Bucky tells him, "but I'm fine. Really." Steve is still worried- he knows Bucky's lying. They've been best friends for so many years, that he can feel him lying without any effort.

It's been 75 days. Steve starts going to work- the night shift in a small coffee shop, to get some money in for the rent. Bucky misses his loud snoring that night.

It's been 76 days. Steve comes back in the early morning, falling asleep on the couch. Bucky stays near him, reading a book from Steve's cabinet, but eventually falls asleep. Surprisingly, no nightmares disturb him this time.

It's been 77 days. Bucky wakes up with his head on Steve's lap- not the ideal napping place. Steve is texting someone on his phone, but he smiles when Bucky opens his eyes. "Mornin', Buck," he says sweetly, "sleep well?" 

It's been 83 days. Steve is rarely home- he barely has time for Bucky between night shifts, quick naps and stops at the Stark tower. The nightmares are slowly coming back. He is back on pills.

It's been 84 days. Steve has seen what his constant absence is doing to Bucky, and at nights he crawls into Bucky's bed. Bucky tries to fight him at first, but gives up. He is just too tired.

It's been 89 days. Steve is now usually home, making food and napping on the couch. Bucky starts feeling somehow better- he's got a friend by his side after decaded of torture and loneliness.

It's been 97 days. Bucky decided to try and cook dinner for Steve when he's back from the Stark tower- but the spaghetti get overcooked and the sauce is burnt. He is frustrated, and goes to sleep early with the pills.

It's been 98 days. Steve is angry at him for not eating dinner, and makes him a big breakfast. Bucky refuses to eat everything- he fiddles with the poached egg and drinks the juice. He feels weird after that; he didn't have anyone forcing him to eat in a very long time.

It's been 100 days. Bucky finds himself staring at Steve's chest when he's napping. When did he become this fair? The Steve he remembered was small, skinny, childlike. When did he become a man? He starts to wonder which of his memories are real. Maybe he just started yesterday? Is everything up till now fake? But no. Steve's hand is here, gently touching Bucky's spine. It has to be real, he convinces himself.

It's been 104 days. Bucky starts to wonder- is it weird to sleep next to his best friend? Steve seems fine about it, he never complains.

It's been 106 days. Bucky decides to sleep alone this night. But now it feels empty- like there's something important missing. The bed is cold and there is no hand slumped protectively around his waist, no gentle touch on his spine. Bucky wonders when did he become so attached to Steve's touch. He shakes the thought off and tries to sleep.

It's been 107 days. "Are you feeling uncomfortable with me?" Steve asks during that morning's breakfast. Bucky says that he doesn't like people touching him- but as for Steve, that's a lie.

It's been 110 days. Steve is leaving overnight for a project in the Stark tower. "I've prepared you dinner, breakfast and lunch- just in case I'm not back by noon. Promise me you'll eat, 'kay?" Steve asks carefully before he leaves with his backpack. Bucky nodes, but he has no appetite this evening and no reason to sleep. He jogs around the neighborhood until he's too exhausted to stay awake.

It's been 111 days. Steve finds Bucky asleep on a bench right in front of the flat. He carries him home, then scolds him for not eating his dinner again. Bucky tells him that he couldn't sleep. Steve takes Bucky onto his bed, cuddling with him until Bucky is asleep, then makes a big lunch for the thinner-by-day figure sleeping in front of him.

It's been 116 days. Bucky and Steve are running every day around the park in the middle of the city, then catch a nap on the couch. Bucky never complains on anything, not even on burnt food or messy beds. He just keeps on with his daily routine with Steve.

It's been 120 days. Steve starts working on his project with Stark for days non-stop. Bucky is alone, making his own meals. The space in front of him on the bed is missing, and it's a torture.

It's been 129 days. Steve doesn't come home often, but when he does, he has black circles around his eyes from no sleep. When he does come back, it's only to fetch a shirt or snacks. He doesn't sleep by Bucky's side anymore, no cuddles and intimate hugs. He's just not there.

It's been 132 days. Steve is back from the tower, dressed in grease-smeared clothes and smelling of machinery and metal. "We're done with the project," he announces happily after having a shower.  
"Yeah," Bucky grunts, eyes partially drawn to Steve's towel cowered torso.

It's been 134 days. Steve is sleeping again in Bucky's bed, snoring loudly every few minutes or so. Bucky is covered in radiating heat coming from the body lying right next to him. It doesn't feel empty anymore.

It's been 135 days. Bucky takes the job at a nearby bar, a one with good payment and nice evening hours. "It's to get used to normal life," he tells Steve when he's off, but the reason is indeed different than what his words told.

It's been 139 days. Bucky is getting a good pile of tips every night- drunk costumers are the nicest. A nice girl named Lily shows up every night, asking for the same drink every time.  
"What's a handsome boy like you doing in a place like that?" She asks one day.  
"Working my way out of my thoughts," he answers after a second of thinking.  
Lily laughs and offers him a drink. Bucky turns around to get two straws, just for a few seconds, and then turns back to drink with Lily.

It's been 140 days. Bucky wakes up in an unfamiliar bed. Lily's dark hair is resting on the bed right near him, her face turned away. As he dresses up in the clothes thrown on the floor away from him, he wonders what happened this night, why was he there. He walks out of the unlocked door, to find himself in a street that seemed familiar. He starts walking until he recognizes the nearby streets, then sets off to running until he reaches the flat.  
Steve opened the door with shaking hands, immediately wrapping Bucky in a tight hug.  
"Where were you? I-I thought you were dead! Don't you disappear again, you got it? Don't you disappear again!"  
Bucky doesn't understand why is Steve so worried, but he accepts his demands for answers. He tells him what he remembers- a girl, a drink, a bed with dirty sheets. Steve looks at him, biting his lip. "You should be careful," he says one more time, running his hand through hus hair before heading to the kitchen.

It's been 142 days. Lily disappeared from the bar- Bucky wonders what did he do. She seemed like a potential friend, maybe ally- except the night which Bucky remembers nothing from.

It's been 143 days. Natasha is back in town, done with a successful operation . She pops at the flat for a minute, asking the boys how are they. "A good mission never helped me sleep," she tells Bucky. He is glad to be resting.

It's been 146 days. Steve is sick- he does nothing but lay on the sofa and eat Bucky's burnt food without complaint. "Are you sure you don't want takeout? Hamburgers, maybe?" Bucky asks after every burnt toast. "Nah, I like your food," Steve smiles through his pale lips.

It's been 148 days. Steve is constantly asleep, barely getting up to eat a bit every day. He looks paler every day, like the blood is being drawn from him. Bucky rents a pile of movies for them to watch, but Steve falls asleep during the first one.  
He's like a big kitty, so Bucky lets him sleep through the rest of it.

It's been 151 days. Steve is trying new medication- a disgustingly looking brown syrop, which makes him cringe every time he takes it. Bucky feels sorry for him- but Steve says he's fine, that he's perfectly okay. He knows Steve's lying, when he's holding up his hair while he's throwing up in the bathroom.

It's been 154 days. "I feel like a pregnant woman, Buck," Steve says that morning, "throwing up every minute.."  
Bucky grunts and shakes his head. "I don't feel ready to be a dad," Bucky says, entirely serious.  
"Whatever you say, daddy," Steve laughs and takes his medicine.

It's been 157 days. Steve seems to get better- he's throwing up significantly less, and manages to actually get up. Bucky wonders if he's been this helpless when he just moved in, about 5 months ago. He feels sick from just imagining his own slim figure, crouching on the floor.

It's been 159 days. Steve is much better- already jogging around the lake, making himself and even late-sleeping-Bucky breakfast. Bucky tries to force him to rest, but Steve keeps on acting like a mother. Bucky is worried, but he didn't feel this wanted and being that cared for, for a long, long time..

It's been 160 days. Steve is back to normal schedule- jogging, cooking, smiling. Bucky almost feels the urge to smile himself.

It's been 163 days. Steve is working on projects in the Stark tower again, coming back frequently with a smell of metal and grease on him. Bucky can't get close to him- the smell is just like when they gave him the metal hand.

It's been 164 days. Bucky can't sleep- with or without Steve on his side. Everything is full of foggy memories from Hydra- the fall, the experiments, the pain. He struggles distinguishing between reality and dreams.

It's been 166 days. Steve is constantly coming to Bucky's room when he screams, trying to calm him every time, but it's impossible. Bucky wakes up with a face full of tears and bloody eyes, screaming for Steve to get off him, not to kill him. It's like he's in the war again, soldiers and generals crowding around him, marvelling at their ultimate killing machine.

It's been 169 days. Steve finds Bucky standing in the bathroom in the middle of the night, head bent over the sink. "I can't look in the mirror, Stevie," he says quietly. "I look like a monster again. I am a nightmare."

It's been 170 days. Steve stops going to the Stark tower- he can't bear Bucky's screams. There's no smell of grease in the flat now, no metal scent except the faint one of Bucky's own hand. When Bucky doesn't wake up once during this night, Steve is happy.

It's been 172 days. Tony visits the apartment, a bit frustrated from not getting help with his new project- but he shuts his mouth when he sees Bucky. His eyes are red and his hands are shaking from sleepless nights, and Tony understands the reason for this. He nods and leaves then, a soft look on his face.

It's been 175 days. Bucky is sleeping next to Steve again, quiet and slumped under the sheets. Steve wonders if it's weird to watch Bucky sleep- then he remembers that Bucky sleeping calmly is a rare occasion. Not to mention that his face looks heavenly in the dim lighting, and that his dark hair is sticking to his skin in beads of sweat, and- Steve tears away his gaze, focusing on the lamp instead. He shouldn't be staring at the ghost that's cuddled on his side.

It's been 176 days. Steve wakes up; Bucky's not there. He finds him crying in the kitchen, but wiping his eyes immediately when Steve steps in.  
"God, Bucky," he can't say anything. He just sits beside him, hugging him untill Bucky stops inhaling and shivering.  
"I'm nothing," Bucky whispers eventually. Before Steve has time to protest, he continues- "hydra. They've killed me. They wiped my mind. There's nothing left inside me- I'm just a walking body now." He trembles, getting a bit closer to Steve. "I've waited for you, Stevie.. it was the only thing thst kept me sane until- until I couldn't amymore. I might as well just die, you know? I don't mind it, Stevie, I could j-just die."  
"I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, Buck," Steve hugs him again. "I-I wanted to come amd take you, but I couldn't, and now I'm not going to leave. Not again. I'm not losing again, did you hear me? You're my best friend and I love you and I'm keeping safe this time." With these words he leans down amd kisses Bucky, like he wanted- needed- to for so long. And Bucky doesn't flinch, doesn't move away. There's something so familiar about this; something he likes.

It's been 177 days. Bucky wakes up before sunrise and disappears, then comes back after Steve is asleep.

It's been 180 days. Bucky's gone for 4 days now. Steve wonders if it's because he kissed him- it was definitely the wrong moment.

It's been 185 days. Bucky's still gone.

It's been 192 days. It's the 4th of July- Steve's birthday. Bucky isn't on his side to celebrate it. Tony convinces him to come to the tower, to watch the fireworks. Everyone are there- Nat, Clint, Bruce, Stark, Sam..  
They get drinks and then go up to the roof.

"Who's that?" Natasha asks, bearing her fist and getting ready towards a potential fight.  
"Who?" Tony asks her, confused.  
Natasha points at a figure, well hidden on the edge of the roof yet visible. A vest hugging their buff chest, hands- one normal and one glistening- tucked in their front jean pockets.

"Bucky," Steve calls out and jogs towards him.  
He looks alright- not bone-thin, not hungry, the corner of his mouth up as if he's the Mona Lisa. Just standing there on Stark's roof as if it's alright. 

"Heard there's a party," he exclaims loudly, "couldn't miss it." His voice is indifferent, New-York-ish accent showing.  
"Where were you?" Steve asks, but Bucky seems to ignore him.

"Take your present, Stevie," he flungs towards him a badly wrapped box. "Worked a bit for this."  
"What-" Steve catches the box. "Buck, we seriously need to talk."  
"No, we don't," Bucky grins. "It's your birthday. Let's watch the fireworks."  
"What the hell is going on?" Natasha appears beside them.  
"He was gone for 2 weeks," says Steve, just as Bucky says "nothing."  
Natasha looks at both of them, confused.  
"You know," she says eventually, "the fireworks are starting in a minute. Let's watch them first, then 'why are you like this' talk. It's the first 4th of July I had in years while I'm not abroad on a mission."

Steve is forced to sit with the rest on the roof, to watch the fireworks in the sky. But how can he watch them when something much more important is sitting right beside him, looking peacefully at the sky, like everything is okay?

"Look," Bucky whispers and point at the sky. A huge, red-blue-and-white firework explodes there, fiiling their eyes with glitter and light. "This one's my favorite," Bucky continues. He looks up with a little grin, excited like the little kid he was before the war.  
Eventually, he pulls Steve up and walks him a few steps back by the lapels of his jacket. The rest don't notice. 

"Please, Steve listen to me," the smile is gone from Bucky's lips. "It-it doesn't matter where I was for the past two weeks. What matters is before and now, because there won't be a later. So please, just listen." He closes his eyes and leans against Steve's chest, exhaling tirely.

"Listen. I can't do this. I-I don't remember who I was, what I liked. Damn, I don't remember my favorite ice cream flavor. I only remember all the people I killed. And.. And these were a lot." The fireworks ended. "I can't go on, Stevie. I can't keep having these nightmares, and I can't stand it when you're just so kind when I clearly don't deserve you because I'm a freaking murderer. And stop. Don't say it. Don't say that I deserve more than I have, because I know what I did and all those things weren't good. So just.. I-I love you, Stevie, really. I'm sorry, I didn't have the chance to say it and I'm sorry."

Bucky steps back, then walks towards the edge of the roof in small jumps. "What a freaking beautiful night!" He screams, his hands up in the air, getting everyone to look at him.

"Bucky," Natasha says quietly, "step back. Don't stand that close to the edge."  
But Bucky ignores her, looking up. "Look at the sky!" He shouts, "the stars! Isn't this just worth living for?"

"Bucky," Steve asks with trembling voice, "what's going on? What is the point of this?"  
"There is no point, Stevie.. That's the point." Then he turns around towards Steve. Bucky's face is tear stained despite his huge, shaky smile, his feet just a step away from falling.

"Guess.. Guess it's the end of the line, eh?" He looks towards the group, then at Steve. "See you at the next line," he says weakly. 

He turns around, looking down and slumping his shoulders. He turns his head up once before letting his body fall, right by the edge of the roof, down, down, down.

~

It's been some time. Bucky is dead- his body is bloody and crushed, no tricks this time.  
Steve has unwrapped his present- a big box of colourful pencils. Then he cried.  
His nights are filled now with Bucky, all the things they never got to do.  
Steve wants to touch him, to kiss his pink lips. To hold his hand. To hug him without regrets. He wants him in his bed, his body and skin and feeling. Bucky doesn't remember the one night they spent together, back when they were innocent and carefree and young. Back when Bucky was happy. But Steve has fallen for him, and Bucky fell down a tower.  
All because of Hydra.  
But he didn't only want Bucky's body. He wanted him to be happy- to see his quirky smile and hear his laugh, to be the one making him breakfast and the one to kiss him goodbye.  
To be the one that could make him roar with laughter, to feed him 3 times a day and jog silently with him. He wanted to be his. That, that only, would be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really appreciate comments and kudos, seeing as my confidence in this work is as low as the dead sea. Thanks!


End file.
